I need you all to know that the last time that I went to Target that I had the most traumatic experience. First, I want to say it had nothing to do with a transgender woman. No, the last transgender woman that I saw in a restroom asked me if I thought that they would carry the shoes I was wearing in a size 13. I told her that I bought them on Amazon so there was a good chance that they did. We also discussed the fabulous Urban Decay slightly berry neutral lip color that she was wearing. I wanted it so badly, but alas, it was out stock when I went to Ulta.
Wait, I got all off track again.Target, bathroom trauma… This was actually a two-part trauma. It began with a small boy who kept sticking his head under the stall and talking to me while I was trying to pee. I have a bashful bladder under the best circumstances, but with the fear of accidently flashing a 4-year-old nothing was happening. His mother was blissfully doing whatever she was doing other than keeping her child from harassing the neighbors. Finally, they left. That is when the most horrifying noises erupting from a few stalls down, a cascading stench that you could almost see rolling towards you. I could not urinate fast enough. I also couldn’t stop. I was enveloped by the worst smell that I have ever smelled in my life. I say this after having giardia and having to leave the windows and doors of my house open due to the smell (damn you, St. Petersburg, Russia and your amoebas).
For those of you who believe that you will be traumatized by seeing transgender woman or that a transgendered woman may assault you or your children. I have a list of other companies that you should also avoid in order to stay consistent with your beliefs. Personally, I hate hypocrisy in all things. I wish you all the best in living life without the products and services that support transgender rights. BTW, I would like to suggest that you donate your iPhones to domestic violence shelters where they can be used to save lives.
I did take my pills today
If transgender people make you uncomfortable don’t shop/use these services:
Target (of course)
Apple (better get rid of your Iphone)
McDonalds (no more happy meals)
Bank of America
Sirius XM Radio
Recently, I’ve begun to experience aching, throbbing pain in my joints at bedtime. Most of the time, I take Aleve and go to sleep. Waking up feeling, well achy but better. Tonight, it seems as if I can feel every bone connection in my body and they aren’t happy with me. Especially the middle toe on my right foot which hurts from the first joint all the way up into the foot.
I really don’t understand what is causing this sudden shift to nightly misery, but I could really do without it.Also, my hips, I feel like a 90-year-old woman in need of hip replacement surgery 20 years ago.
In good news, I have turned in EVERYTHING for this semester.
I understand myself today more than I did before. I understand that I have been hiding sorrow and fear in my discomfort with working with certain types of clients. I recognize that as I have worked with person after person to address their trauma that I have never truly dealt with mine. Certainly, I am perfectly effective at counseling anyone who isn’t a substance abuser. But, those two words… they scare me, I feel unqualified to even approach that area. There is a part of me, in the back of my mind that whispers, “you lost this battle once. You bet everything on being able to win and you lost.” There is a part of me that still holds a terrible burden, and a knowledge that once things are done that they cannot be undone.
Today, I sat in a room with individuals who are at various points in their journey towards sobriety. One man celebrated 25 days and another a full year this week. As our group session continued, I recognized that while sobriety was indeed an important part of their lives pressing issues of anxiety and depression were far more important. When someone asked me how I dealt with building anxiety caused by overthinking, I realized that in our weeks together that we had come to know each other well. This person knew that even though I am a counselor that I tend to overthink and become anxious. We discussed different types of meditation as a group.
Today, I made a decision. I need to be the healthiest person in the room for every client who may walk through my door. No, I probably will not be able to council active substance abusers, but I haven’t had the training to do that anyway. I need to work with my counselor on learning to let go of my own fears and put down my burden. Because I know that there was no good choice.
Today was a long day. No, let me expand upon that, today was one of those days that you pray will come to an end over and over again but it keeps dragging on towards new levels of misery. Today, I have been yelled at for something that I did not do and is completely outside of my control. I have been told that if a person had insurance that they could see more qualified people and get what they wanted. That rant included my favorite sentence of a long time, “I have a college degree, I’m better than these other people, and you need to help me the way I want to be helped.” Umm, no, you aren’t better than “these other people,” on any level, ever. I do think that the highlight of my day came with a man seeking services due to the end of his relationship.He said he was devastated. He spent much of the time hitting on me.