Easter is my least favorite holiday.

For religious reasons, Easter is amazing. I enjoy the end of Lent and the beginning of the Easter season in the Episcopal church. I particularly like the new priest and his very hopeful message of the importance of being the force of change in the world and not the movement backwards.

I’m not such a fan of Easter because of the sheer amount of effort that comes along with each Easter morning. Dressing little girls in frilly dresses, hair bows which will not stay in for more than 5 minutes, sneaking the 17-month-old out of an over capacity church b12924428_10209096836960836_3056501317118128855_necause she has decided to tap dance during the Psalm. Of course, someone gave her a strawberry in the nursery and stained the pristine condition of the dress her grandmother purchased. This would be topped by her spinning on her hiney in the mud during the Easter egg hunt. Then there was family lunch.

Candy, mixed up schedule, tons of extra people, and I feel stressed. The Queen is a rolling ball of laughter, screaming, and whining. Not that she is well behaved on a good day.

Come to think about it, this is exactly the reason that I’m not such a fan of Christmas. Except that Mass is at 11:00 pm and everyone exhausted the next day.

Emotionally invested in ridiculous things.

There is a whole field of research on this topic, but personally, I know very little about it. I know that it is the aspect of our lives that makes us hate people who support other sports teams, care about who wins Survivor, root for a relationship on our favorite television shows, etc. In the grand scheme of life, none of those things matter. Really, they don’t, not even football, not even a little.

Lately, I’ve been ridiculously invested in Top Chef (a perennial favorite), Project Runway Allstars, and my dwindling ability to drink things with flavor. Now, my person did not when Top Chef. I was really pulling for Karen, but my backup choice was Isaac. I’m not altogether disappointed that Jeremy won. Project Runway Allstars is just a hot mess at the moment, I’m going to have to pull for Kinni because he can make amazing clothes in absolutely no time.

The beverages are more difficult though. Since last fall, I haven’t been able to drink alcohol because it causes me to have terrible migraines. I miss vodka sometimes, especially in the martini or gimlet form. It was such a good friend. Now, due to some unforeseen medication  induced blood pressure issues, I’m having to seriously cut down on my caffeine consumption. I love caffeine, hot tea, iced tea, Pepsi Max, etc. It is my friend as I try to work a job that seems to be taking more and more hours, take two classes, and try to find some time with Ciaran. I am praying that now that I am off medication #1 and taking blood pressure medication for a couple of weeks that I can resume my caffeine consumption again.

 

My antibiotic may do what?

I have strep throat, again. This time, they brought out the big boy (I’m using boy because they do bad things and I’m an advocate for my gender) antibiotics that can cause gastrointestinal distress up to 1 month after the completion of the medication. Something about having strep twice in two months not being a good thing. Really you say because I feel so much worse than I did the last time that I had it.

I think my favorite part of reading the insert that came with the antibiotic was that it was normal to have cramping and frequent diarrhea while taking the medication, but to call the doctor if you became disoriented, dizzy, or unable to stand. These side effects occurred frequently enough during the drug trials that they weren’t listed under the “unlikely to happen” section. Then, I panicked just a little because I already feel a little disoriented and dizzy from being sick, and wondered if I would have to wait until I couldn’t stand before I called a doctor.

Then, I remembered that I wrote a post about hating clowns this morning because I was running a fever and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I should have included Donald Trump in addition to The BTK killer, and my ex-brother-in-law. Don’t trust people who smile and tell you what you want to hear. Nevermind, I don’t know what possessed me to write that, except the fever was talking. I think that it still is.

I hate clowns

It’s not as if I’m afraid of clowns, it’s more that I find them to be creepy, disingenuous, and sociopathic. I’ve never liked people or things that try to intentionally hide their true nature. Masks, pitcher plants, the BDK killer, and my ex-brother-in-law, if you think about it, they are varying extremes of the potentially dangerous dishonesty.

Back to the clowns, I remember as a child that a ranger at one of the state parks telling us that some of the most colorful things in nature are the most dangerous. I think that stuck with me. Then I saw the movie It, which no 8-year-old should ever watch. And, a documentary on John Wayne Gacy.

No clowns for me please.

True, hard things

This falls into the 80% of my life that I can’t really talk about, but there are aspects of the situation that I can reveal. Today, I had to make the decision to do something that according to my University Supervisor most counselors will never do during the entire time that they practice. I made the decision based on the welfare of a person who is barely more than a child and whose family was making no effort to take appropriate steps to help them. Since Monday, when I first found out about the problem, I have worried and tried to convince the family to do what is best. Today, I could wait no longer and truly regretted that I had not acted sooner.

The true, hard things are that I feel guilty like I could have done more, that I should have done more. The hours that I spent awake staring at the ceiling, my mind piecing together disparate information that finally made sense is useless at this time. What I now understand may have helped the last time that I saw this individual, but the pieces were too small and scattered at the time. In all honesty, it wouldn’t have helped at that time. It would have helped over time, during treatment. I know that it is irrational to blame myself, to feel guilty, to believe that if I had seen things sooner that things might have been different, but here we are.

May the cross of the Son of God,
which is mightier than all the hosts of Satan
and more glorious than all the hosts of heaven,
abide with you in your going out and in your coming in.
By day and by night, at morning and at evening,
at all times and in all places may it protect and defend you.
From the wrath of evildoers, from the assaults of evil spirits,
from foes visible and invisible, from the snares of the devil,
from all passions that beguile the soul and body:
may it guard, protect and deliver you.

  • Church of England, Prayer for Protection and Peace

One of those hard things

I admit it. I am wrong, frequently even. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and think to myself, the level of my incompetence is unparalleled. There was a time that I was completely unable to admit that I was wrong. I thought that it meant that to do so undermined my intelligence. I thought that being smart meant that you didn’t make mistakes.

Then, I had a really great counselor in my mid-20s who asked me the question, “What is the worst thing that would happen if you are wrong?” I told her that I didn’t know. She asked me, “Will you die?” I said that I might feel like I would die. She asked me if I would lose friends, if my parents would stop loving me, etc. I laughed and said no. Over the course of the next few sessions, she helped me learn that there is strength in admitting when are wrong, acknowledging our failings, and learning from them.

Something that we must all remember is that if a politician is unwilling to even acknowledge that they have made a mistake, a misstep, or have been wrong in the past that they will not tell the truth in the future.

Migraine medication roulette

Today, I had to leave work because my of one of those nasty migraines: pain, nausea, sensitivity to light and sound, and my all time favorite loss of vision in my right eye. This was actually the continuation of a migraine from yesterday that had improved after taking two doses of Frova. Unfortunately, the Frova forgot to let my occipital nerve know that it should feel better so I tossed and turned all night long trying to find a comfortable position. Nerves, can’t live with them and you can’t swallow without them.

Needless to say, lack of sleep, an early morning trip to Walmart (or as I like to call it my own personal hell), and fluorescent lights converged into a glorious migraine of epic proportions. Now, I’m sure all, but the migraine suffers, are wondering why I didn’t just pop another Frova and go on my way. Here’s the rub about the triptan drugs, you can only take 2 doses during any 24 hour period. No ifs, ands, or buts, just no, no, no.

Now, the other rather disheartening thing about triptans is that they do not always work, partially work, and/or give you side effects that are worse than the actual migraine. Here I sit, exactly 25 hours and 14-ish minutes after the last dose that I took yesterday and 1 hour since my most recent dose.

Pluses:

  • I can now see out of both eyes
  • Sensitivity to light is greatly decreased
  • Slight reduction in actual migraine pain

Minuses:

  • I still have migraine pain
  • I now have pain around and behind my eyes (but they aren’t sensitive to light)
  • My skin feels like acupuncture needles are being inserted all over
  • I can feel every single strand of hair
  • I feel nauseated
  • My occipital nerve still didn’t get the memo

The sad thing is that Frova has worked better than any other “rescue” medication that I have ever taken. If it is going to work, it works within 15 minutes with no side effects. If it isn’t going to work, well within 15 minutes the above usually happen. Because I have chronic migraines, I take preventative medication every day, and for the most part, it works.

Oh, and to the male co-worker who told me that sometimes he gets headaches too but that he just works through them, I have two questions for you. 1) Where would you like for me to hit you with this sledgehammer? 2) When did you get appointed supreme shamer of the unpaid intern? Yeah, that’s right, I don’t work for you, you aren’t my supervisor, and I really don’t care what you think. Now move out of my way so that I don’t vomit on you. I wonder if you “headaches” come with that component?

Random Things I Said in February

  • “I’m not sure you should be left with children, I’m not sure I should be left with children and I’m far more responsible than you.” – To a friend who was going to babysit her niece and nephew for the weekend. She pointed out that I had children, and I said that was my point exactly.
  • “It’s a person of indistinct gender.That’s perfectly fine, but I can’t tell who they are on the schedule.” – At work
  • “A random human being just got out of a truck. I have no idea where they went.” – At work
  • “And then there was that.” – Numerous times, usually after someone does something completely confounding.